One day my oldest daughter called and upon hearing the panic in her voice, I immediately knew something was wrong. She proceeded to tell me how my two-year-old grandson was having “meltdowns” where he would become so angry that he would hit himself in the head with his fists. Of course, she was surprised alarmed by his behavior and wanted to know what she should do. I asked a number of questions, such as, what was occurring prior to the meltdowns, where was she, what was her response, etc. all in an attempt to understand the underlying causes or motivation of this behavior. Shortly after this phone call she and my grandson had stopped by my office one day to visit. My grandson sat on the floor playing, specifically with the magnets on the metal filing cabinet by my desk, as my daughter and I sat there talking. Suddenly our conversation was interrupted. Out of nowhere and with quickness, this sweet, adorable two-year-old transformed into what could only be described as a rendition of the incredible hulk. Although I never suspected my daughter had exaggerated the description of his behavior when she had previously shared this, I was certainly taken aback by witnessing it for myself. Perhaps there was just a shred of grandmotherly denial; angel…hulk?… Nah!
After his meltdown began, I looked at my daughter’s face which could only be described as a panicked “HELP!” ,” This is what I’ve been telling you about”, I got out of my chair, got down to eye level with him and said with a light-hearted calm, “hey buddy, show MaGa ( my grands name for me) what you’re doing”. I showed him how to lift up the edge of the magnet so as to break the magnetic hold thus releasing it to be moved. Within seconds all the excessive emotionality was gone, he had returned to that sweet little two year old to which I was accustomed and he sat there contently playing until they left my office.
This vignette, the snapshot of this behavior was vastly informative. After this observation, the underlying causes of the behavior were quite apparent. My grandson had a definite goal. He knew what he wanted to accomplish, namely, he was attempting to remove the magnets from the filing cabinet to rearrange them and create a new picture. However, he did not have the knowledge of “how to” do so. At the age of two one’s knowledge base, as well as problem-solving skills, are each quite limited. Emotional regulation is likewise underdeveloped. So now you have all the ingredients for a low tolerance for frustration. Determination + lack of skill set + inability to self regulate=Incredible Hulk level anger.
Goal-oriented behavior is another way of viewing this…imagine for a minute, a motorized remote controlled toy. Keep in mind that there are only forward and backward movements for this toy. You push the forward button until the toy runs into a wall. In an effort to continue forward you increase the speed until…poof, the motor burns out and all explodes with a puff of smoke. The toy has a goal but lacks the ability, the skill set, if you would, to be able to turn and navigate around the wall.
The inability to tolerate frustration is quite common in younger children. They know what they want to do just not how to. It is likewise quite common for parents to become extremely frustrated with their frustrated child. Usually the parent attempts to control that frustrated behavior which can result in the child’s increased frustration, expressed directly or otherwise. With that increased frustration you quickly set the stage for a power struggle between you and your child. Any time a parent engages in a power struggle, whether you believe you have won or not, you have lost!
